Monday, October 17, 2011

When you lose someone, you lose a whole lot more...

When someone you love passes away you don't just lose someone you love.  You are not just mourning the loss of someone's presence or memory in your life. There are reasons that person was special to you when they were alive. They brought something to your life that isn't there anymore.  In some cases it is something you chose in that person to like or love-such as someone to share a confidence in or share a love of something with. There was some sort of camaraderie or something special.  It may be shared experiences that you could converse about or share in other ways.

With a family member or long time friend it could be those shared experiences-positive or negative that you could turn to each other about or with. You lose that shared love or dislike of something. But you also lose that aspect of your life that you will have to live without. For example, if you went to the ball game with the person every season or even heard stories of yesteryear of those days, but they aren't in the present anymore, it's a loss. You lose a lot more than a person.

In my parents, I have lost links to stories of my past of my family's past. These are links to part of who we are. We have lost chances to be able to ask or listen to them. In the loss of a friend from my high school years, I lost chances to continue a relationship with her as well as to have someone who was the only other one who knew our little secret code for sharing stories about guys or life experiences.  Granted, as long as I'm here, I can pass her memory to others and to those who loved her, but I lost the potential to share those in the same way with someone.

Sometimes the loss of a person can make us lose the connections to others in our lives.  They helped us stay connected to others who possess some shared history.  We might be losing a lifestyle or shared direction in life. There are so many losses to ponder.  It is something to assess in the meaning of all that goes with the person we lost. These are aspects of ourselves.

This is written not to intensify the focus negatively on what is lost when someone dies, but more to help one just focus on all that is lost.  Identifying some of these things might help explain some of the complexity of the feelings we don't understand or why things seem to pop up from no where from the murky inner pea soup thickness of grief and its process.  We don't necessarily have to dissect all the aspects but in identifying some, it may help one grow more fully in putting our lives together as we grow in our grief. Not only does the person we lost take on new form in the process of life, but so do we in this part of our own lives. It can help us understand ourselves more fully and live life more fully. The presence of these people were a gift in our lives. One of the best things we can do in their memory is to grow from having had their presence in our lives.

The key is being open and just let it take its course. These types of things take time-their own time. Be patient with it and yourself.

I wish you peace in your journey.

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